Over the years, Santa Claus’ health has been subject to much scholarly analyses, albeit from afar because, like some politicians, he declines to release his medical records.
These academic health assessments, published in scientific and medical literature, span the diagnostic spectrum, and include discussions of Santa’s mental health.
To be sure, at an estimated age of 1,753 years, Santa is the epitome of longevity. He must be doing something right. The British Medical Journal credits his reindeer, noting that pet ownership is linked to positive biomarkers of aging.
But Santa’s advanced age — and a noted penchant for checking his lists of naughty and nice twice — underscores the possibility that Santa may be suffering from age-related cognitive decline and/or obsessive compulsive disorder.
He also has trouble with names, answering to literally dozens of them. But more pressing, like his overtaxed belt, is Santa’s physical health. Santa is a shift worker with significant seasonal overtime, notes the Journal of Occupational Medicine and Toxicology, which means helikely suffers from severe jet lag covering 24 time zones in just 36 hours (due to the International Date Line). He may be compensating by using melatonin, caffeine, energy drinks or prescription drugs.
In those work hours, Santa visits the homes of hundreds of millions of children, potentially exposing himself and them to untold pathogens and infectious diseases. He is both victim and vector, the potential catalyst for a super spreader event.
All of that dashing and prancing in often sub-zero conditions in an open sleigh leaves Santa vulnerable to multiple skin ailments, reports the Journal of the European Academy of Dermatology and Venereology, including chilblains and cold panniculitis. Those rosy red cheeks are symptomatic of rosacea. He is at risk of developing an allergy to reindeer epithelium, a not-uncommon affliction in northern climes.
Santa’s age and job also place him at elevated fall risk. Sleighs and sledding are associated with increased risk of injury. He works on icy roofs. Falls from roofs (FFRs) represent significant danger. Roughly 40% of construction deaths are attributed to falls from roofs.
In 2014, scientists writing in the journal Gait and Posture measured the spatiotemporal gait characteristics of 17 human animal models dressed in Santa regalia while lugging 44-pound bags of toys. The findings were not cheery, with study authors recommending Santa embrace a rigorous regimen of stretching, strength and balance exercises, plus cognitive training to assist with multi-tasking.
But more worrisome, Santa is a Christmas card for metabolic syndrome — a cluster of conditions that increase his risk for heart disease, stroke and type 2 diabetes. Although his actual body mass index number is unknown, Santa’s rotund physique — excess abdominal fat that shakes like a bowl full of jelly — is an obvious indicator for obesity, making Santa prone to fatigue, sleep apnea and hypertension, among other ailments. If Santa partakes of eggnog and other holiday libations, he increases the risk of chronic liver disease.
These conditions are exacerbated by poor lifestyle and dietary choices. It’s clear Santa doesn’t get out much (with one notable exception). His predilection for cookies, dairy products and adult beverages is elf-defeating. He should eat more carrots.
In a 2012 article published in the British Columbia Medical Journal, findings from an imagined colonoscopy revealed Santa suffered from diverticulitis — inflammation of abnormal pouches in the bowel wall. An ultrasound detected metabolic dysfunction-associated steatohepatitis or MASH, a progressive form of inflammatory fatty liver disease.
In these maladies, Santa is not alone. Diverticulosis (the actual outpouchings) is common in the Western world, especially in older people. Roughly one-third of Americans over age 50 have it, rising to 75% for people over age 80. Roughly 22 million adult Americans live with MASH.
These conditions all fall within metabolic syndrome, which affects one in three U.S. adults. The syndrome itself doesn’t kill a lot of people, but it dramatically raises the risk of death for many other diseases, including cardiovascular, which is the leading cause of death in the U.S.
And then there’s this: When doctors train on Epic and other patient health information systems, they are asked to practice diagnosing a theoretical patient based upon their medical history and symptoms. It’s often Santa.